The picture above is an eyewitness sketch of what I did last night.

“But Rob, I thought you were a software developer…”

By day, yes, I’m a software developer, but by night… I’m a cold-blooded killer. A fearless, heartless mercenary for hire to the highest bidder. I appear out of nothing in the crisp, cold night, ready to take advantage of you when you least expect it. Do I take your wallet and kill you, or leave you cowering in fear at what might have happened, of what I’m capable of doing? So who, or what, am I? No, as close as this was, it wasn’t a description of anyone’s wife or a prostitute. Geez, kids, get your minds out of the gutter. That’s almost as bad as Bruce Wayne trying to tell his latest fling that he’s Batman while suffering a horrible case of Tourette’s and palsy. I’m a ninja! I should probably explain.

About two weeks ago, the BMW decided that it no longer needed the fourteen-year-old fuel pump that resided peacefully in its ass. I know this because the fuel pump spontaneously shat all over itself, resulting in the car not starting. The fuel filter was replaced, the pump relay fired when the key was turned over, and there is no inertia “switch” to trigger under impact. There is an impact relay that kills the fuel pump in an accident, but the car has not had a hard enough impact in the right area to trigger this. It can only be the fuel pump. I know this, the car knows this. We have an understanding. Yet that doesn’t actually help me fix the issue. Aside from which… the real issue is that I no longer live at the house where my beloved Bimmer is parked, and I HATE paying for towing just to have it dragged a mere mile from its origin.

So last night, me and an accomplice daringly risked vehicular impoundment as we used the cover of fog to snatch up the hapless BMW and towed it bravely back to my house; its new home…. where it rightfully belongs.

Oh, and I also robbed a pastry store of delicious treats and punched a small child in the face because he thought my ninja mask was funny. Just kidding. Except about the BMW, and the pastry store, and the small child. I meant those.

Okay, okay, so I just towed my BMW home.

It’s been a long, sad few months for me. Ever since the conclusion of the 2007 Formula 1 season, I’ve been waiting patiently obsessing for more. Through November and the early part of December, it was a wait to see where the nefarious Fernando Alonso would end up. He did, indeed, end up at Renault as I had suspected. In an odd move, Renault boss Flavio Briatore bounced his entire 2007 driver lineup in favor of Alonso and rookie Nelson Piquet, Jr., son of the legendary driver. What’s more is that Alonso only signed the dotted line after getting exactly what he wanted: a three-year deal with an option to leave after 2008 at his discretion. Nevermind the money. If you’re curious, yes, he was paid an exorbitant amount. Too much, if you ask me. The issue here is the utter brashness by which he can lay any claim to optioning out after 2008. There’s only one reason you set something up like that. Are you ready for it? He thinks he has a shot at a Ferrari seat in ‘09. Pack that ego beneath that enormous chin, Fernando, it ain’t happening any time soon, because…

2007 Formula 1 World Drivers Champion, Kimi Raikkonen, has publicly announced that he’s entirely thrilled to be at Ferrari. Despite his prior assertions that he would retire after becoming a world champion, Kimi is returning at least through 2009 to defend his crown. The entire Ferrari organization is thrilled to have him and all accounts suggest that Kimi and his immediate supporting crew get on famously. Ferrari head honcho, Luca Di Montezemolo, has signed Felipe Massa to a three-year extension through 2010. Sorry, Fernando, looks like you won’t have the pleasure of taking Kimi’s ride as you’ll need to wait until he’s retired it appears. The 28-year-old Finnish champion has stated he’s not sure how long he’ll continue to drive in Formula 1, but he sincerely wishes to end his career at Ferrari.

McLaren Mercedes picked up Renault wiz kid Heikki Kovaleinen to partner rookie sensation Lewis Hamilton for the 2008 campaign. I don’t want to say I told you so, but… I told you so. This is obviously, to me anyways, a much better match for McMerc’s lineup than Hamilton and that toolbox Alonso. Oddly, Fernando’s home of Spain is in trouble over recent fan racism directed at Lewis Hamilton during testing at Barcelona. Apparently, when you fire the big-chinned poster child of a country, it’s okay to send out the lynch mobs to hunt for the former teammate of said poster child and make ignorant racist comments. Hilarity ensues. Then the FIA threatens to throw you out of the F1 calendar indefinitely. You’ll need to excuse me if I sound like I’m laughing on the inside. It’s just that it’s so fucking funny to think that Fernando is publicly sucking at life. What goes around comes around, eh, Alonso? Perhaps you should humble yourself, sit back, mind your business, and shut the fuck up.

And in the shameless promotion department, everyone is scared of BMW-Sauber. The German-Swiss team has held their “coming out” party for the F1.08, and by all accounts is miles apart and better from last year’s. The drivers, both resigned from 2007, are being a little over-critical, but that’s why they’re paid the big bucks. As usual, the humble BMW team is looking merely for wins this year. Nick Heidfeld is still the shit. Robert Kubica still gives Chuck Norris nightmares. And as far as I can tell, BMW F1 boss Mario Thiessen is still a fucking genius. End of BMW discussion.

The Australian Grand Prix is a little over sixty days away. I’m not sure if I can bear the pressure. Although it’d be nice, I’m not sure I’ll be making it to Canadian Grand Prix this year. Although I’m quite thankful for Tivo, there’s nothing quite like being there to give you a true feel for the spirit of F1. Coolest projected highlight of 2008? The first-ever Formula 1 night race in Singapore. Fucking. Wootness.

Infrequent me, right? It’s been a month since my last blog, however, I have a confession to make. Are you ready? Here it is: I’ve been busy. Like busier than usual. Where shall I begin?

Oh, yes, well to start with… I’m now amongst the land of the bachelors once again. Whether anyone cares or not is trivial. It is something I’ve been (what’s the word I’m looking for?) “about,” rather than “doing,” so I guess it should be chronicled forever on my blog.

Secondly, I’ve moved. I’m still in the same shit city, just swallowing a different piece of it. Admittedly, my digs are pretty sweet. Or at least I think so. It’s been a fun and unusual process. I forgot how much fun it is to live alone, although I miss my little buddy every day.

Third, I made yet another trip to Atlanta. Different purpose this time, but I’m continually amazed at how absolutely freaking cool that city is every time I visit. I’m sure my mind will be changed the first time I’m mugged, but I digress. What really got me this time was how absolutely breathtaking the heart of the city looks on a perfectly clear night from five thousand feet. Like an ocean of shimmering light. I’m sure other large cities are like this, as well, but I’d like to think each one of them has its own unique individual flavor.

Fourth, I just haven’t felt like much of anything lately. I’ve completely fizzled out in the last couple of months, and I’m in my “recovery” stage. I’m like this junky, but addicted to life experiences. It seems like every couple of years I just need to close myself in for a couple of months. It’s like a computer rebooting.

God, that’s a lame analogy, but fitting I guess.

It wasn’t so long ago that Christian Bale outdid Michael Keaton as my personal favorite Batman. I was rather endeared with Keaton’s version. It was dark and edgy, directed by Tim Burton, full of late-80s goodness. Then came the sequels. The endless bags of fail just kept coming, bringing with them exciting star-studded Batmans, all of which sucked. Surprisingly the only career it ended was… see, I can’t even remember now. That’s how horribly it ended that career. Then came Christian Bale, the savior of the Batman mythos. Yet, even after crowning him the best silver screen Batman ever, I was still skeptical. Could Christian pull off repeat awesomeness in a sequel of his own? Any doubts I had are now gone after seeing only the trailer for the upcoming Batman movie.

At the end of Batman Begins, a sequel featuring the Joker was eluded to. At the time, this was merely the director’s way of having a little fun with no foresight as to whether a sequel would come to fruition. It’s three years later. The sequel has arrived. Yet who would step up to bring their own interpretation of Batman’s most infamous villain to the large screen once again? Consider previous actors who have taken on this role. Actually, scratch that. Consider the one that matters: Jack Nicholson’s portrayal of the sadistic clown is the one by which all others are judged. Until now. As a matter of fact, if I were Jack, I’d be pissed. Just as Michael Keaton is now but a memory to all but hardcore fans, so too will be Jack. The image above is a great Photoshop that doesn’t accurately reflect the new Joker, but it’s still pretty cool. A little too dark and twisted for my tastes.

So who’s the new quick-witted and murderous Joker? I’m not going to tell you… yet. Watch the following trailer, then come back to find out the answer. Unless you already know (and doing a quick Google search is cheating!!!), you’ll never guess.

Check out the latest Dark Knight trailer!

So… can you guess who it is? Holy Brokeback Mountain, Batman!! It’s Heath Ledger!

Happy New Year to you all. So what’s the deal with the image above? It’s Nissan’s Corvette-munching, Porsche-stomping, Ferrari-hunting GT-R. This beast of epic automotive iconery has had one of the most hyped and, if I dare say, excessive marketing campaigns in automotive history. It is yet another chapter and generation in a long line of supercars-for-the-common-man originally designed for Japanese royalty almost forty years ago. In previous generations this car’s proper name was the Skyline, the GT-R designation going only to those cars bearing 300+ horsepowered, twin-turbocharged, all-wheel-driven perversions of a powertrain. Nothing’s changed really, with exception to the gorgeous body you see before you and the change from inline-six to the more common V6 configuration. The twin-turbos remain. The all-wheel-drive system remains. If you wanted to purchase the previous generation (GT-R34), you could expect to pay $100,000+ for an average example, as it had to be imported from the motherland of the rising sun. This beast, available to the U.S. in mid-2008, can be had for less than $60k. Yes, that’s right, less than $60k. In the mean time, here are a few interesting facts (if by interesting I mean hilarious and by facts I mean ficticious lies) about the 2009 Nissan GT-R(35)… as found on GTRFacts.Com.

• According to Japanese legend, if a GT-R does a donut on your lawn your next child will have unlimited prosperity.
• In order to get accurate power readings from the GT-R, a dynometer has to be recalibrated to Unicorn Power.
• Examination of Laguna Seca photos shows tow cable between GT-R and pursuing Porsche 997 Turbo: “My fastest lap ever,” says Porsche driver.
• The United States Census Bureau predicts 14,580 inner city kids born in 2009 to be named “Skyline,” “GT-R,” or a combination thereof; GT-R expected to be father in most cases.
• 7 minute 38 second Nurburgring lap time actually run on snow tires; included coffee break at Adenauer-Forst.
• Toyota kills LF-A supercar project: “What’s the fucking point,” asks anonymous Toyota engineer.
• Chief engineer behind GT-R revealed: it’s the ghost of Ayrton Senna.
• After being presented with GT-R, Toretto agrees Spilner has provided ten-second car.
• The GT-R doesn’t run on conventional fuel, but rather the tears of children.
• It has now been discovered that the solo from Stairway to Heaven is actually the GT-R’s exhaust note.
• It turns out Einstein was wrong: E=GT-R.
• Nissan GT-R engineer J. Christ wrote in his blog related to his work with the physics-bending car, “My dad didn’t help me. Honest.”
• An anonymous GT-R engineer has let slip that the car was originally supposed to be the second coming of Christ until the design team realized that Japanese people don’t believe in him anyway, so they did the next best thing.

Nissan GT-R Official Site
Nissan GT-R “Facts” Site