The picture above is an eyewitness sketch of what I did last night.

“But Rob, I thought you were a software developer…”

By day, yes, I’m a software developer, but by night… I’m a cold-blooded killer. A fearless, heartless mercenary for hire to the highest bidder. I appear out of nothing in the crisp, cold night, ready to take advantage of you when you least expect it. Do I take your wallet and kill you, or leave you cowering in fear at what might have happened, of what I’m capable of doing? So who, or what, am I? No, as close as this was, it wasn’t a description of anyone’s wife or a prostitute. Geez, kids, get your minds out of the gutter. That’s almost as bad as Bruce Wayne trying to tell his latest fling that he’s Batman while suffering a horrible case of Tourette’s and palsy. I’m a ninja! I should probably explain.

About two weeks ago, the BMW decided that it no longer needed the fourteen-year-old fuel pump that resided peacefully in its ass. I know this because the fuel pump spontaneously shat all over itself, resulting in the car not starting. The fuel filter was replaced, the pump relay fired when the key was turned over, and there is no inertia “switch” to trigger under impact. There is an impact relay that kills the fuel pump in an accident, but the car has not had a hard enough impact in the right area to trigger this. It can only be the fuel pump. I know this, the car knows this. We have an understanding. Yet that doesn’t actually help me fix the issue. Aside from which… the real issue is that I no longer live at the house where my beloved Bimmer is parked, and I HATE paying for towing just to have it dragged a mere mile from its origin.

So last night, me and an accomplice daringly risked vehicular impoundment as we used the cover of fog to snatch up the hapless BMW and towed it bravely back to my house; its new home…. where it rightfully belongs.

Oh, and I also robbed a pastry store of delicious treats and punched a small child in the face because he thought my ninja mask was funny. Just kidding. Except about the BMW, and the pastry store, and the small child. I meant those.

Okay, okay, so I just towed my BMW home.