With the winter months upon us, I figured I’d take it upon myself to suggest a few movies that are fantastic, thought-provoking and entirely entertaining. I haven’t looked, but I can safely say that probably 90% of these are in my personal DVD collection. I only buy movies that meet my strict quality standards, so any one of these movies is pretty much worth their weight in boredom-killing gold in my mind. Without further adieu…

V for Vendetta (R)
“Remember, Remember the 5th of November, The Gunpowder Treason and plot. I know of no reason why the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot.” Watch this movie and I can almost guarantee this phrase will stick with you for a while. Released in 2006, V for Vendetta tells the story of near-future Britain, which has fallen into a totalitarian-type government based on the fears that the power-hungry government has spread. Hugo Weaving (The Matrix, The Lord of the Rings) delivers a fantastic performance as V, the protagonist of the story, who attempts to liberate the people of Britain by showing them that, “People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.” Also starring: Natalie Portman.

The Matrix Trilogy (R)
Yeah, I’m a sucker for these movies, but at least I grouped them into one entry instead of three separate ones on this list. For those living under a rock, this franchise started in 1999 with The Matrix. Keanu Reeves plays Thomas Anderson, a computer programmer by day and hacker by night, who ends up caught in the middle of a rather perplexing scenario: what if the world and everything as we know it is simply an elaborate computer simulation designed to keep the human race docile while we’re used as a giant box of Duracells? The first movie follows Neo (Thomas Anderson’s online alias) as he struggles with accepting this alternate truth and realizing that he has the ability to deliver the human race back to true freedom. The second movie, The Matrix Reloaded, once again follows Neo (Reeves) as he searches for the truth and root of the Matrix just as a war between the machine overlords and human “unplugged” survivors begins, while the last movie is the final showdown between Neo and the deus ex machina. Additionally, Neo finally faces off with Agent Smith, played by Hugo Weaving (V for Vendetta, The Lord of the Rings), who’s been haunting him relentlessly throughout the trilogy. If you’re really wanting to do this right, I also highly suggest The Animatrix, which are independent tributes and story arcs from some of the most popular artists, animators, and cartoonists from around the world.

The Boondock Saints (R)
I don’t even know where to begin with this one. Have you ever watched the news and simply wondered/hoped that someone would come along and just kill all the bad, awful people in the world? With so much murder, thoughtlessness and disregard for one’s fellow man running rampant throughout the world, there are times when I wonder whether something like the theme of this movie might be for the best. Regardless, the movie follows to Irish brothers from Boston in their divinely permitted pursuit of taking vigilante justice into their own hands after a near-death St. Patrick’s Day bar fight with the Russian Mafia leaves them the suspects for a double homicide. Noteworthy appearances by Willem Dafoe (Spiderman, American Psycho), Sean Patrick Flanery (Suicide Kings), and Norman Reedus (8mm, Blade II).

Snatch (R)
Jason Statham (Crank, The Italian Job) plays a boxing agent who gets caught up in a Pulp Fiction-esque intricate web of criss-crossing plot lines involving a clever, but difficult-to-understand gypsy (played by Brad Pitt), an old pig-feeding mobster, a jewel thief (played by Benicio Del Toro) and his eccentric New Yorker boss of an uncle (played hilariously by Dennis Farina), an unkillable mercenary (Vinnie Jones, imagine that), an always hungry stray dog, and two would-be amateur criminals/pawn shop owners. Throw them all together into one giant pot of criminal underworld craziness and hilarity ensues. Like most of these movies, I’d suggest not watching them with kids. This one in particular: loads of adult language and themes. DVD renters: before the movie, head into the Subtitles setup from the main menu and select “Pikey”. You won’t be disappointed. Without it, good luck understanding Brad Pitt’s character at all.

The Count of Monte Cristo (PG-13) IMDB
Jim Caviezel plays Edmond Dantes, a poor but well-meaning and naive sailor just trying to make a life for himself and fiance (played by Dagmara Dominczyk). Following a promotion which makes him captain of the ship he was sailing on, his best friend (played by Guy Pearce) shows his true colors when he marries Edmond’s fiance after Edmond’s death in France’s most horrible prison. The cause of his imprisonment: his friend falsely and intentionally turning him in as a traitor to his own country out of jealousy. Unbeknownst to his former friend or ex-fiance, Edmond escapes prison and after a series of adventures, comes back to exact his revenge.

Memento (R) IMDB
On a scale of 1 to 10, Memento is just fucked up. I’ve never seen a movie that operated quite like this one. In fact, once you figure out what makes this movie a) different and b) difficult to watch the first time, I’d appreciate a comment back if you’ve ever heard of another movie, either before or since, that shares Memento’s interesting quality. For those of you who can’t wait, I’ll post the spoiler at the end of this paragraph. For the rest of you, the story involves a man (played by Guy Pearce) who is investigating the death of his wife after she’s raped and murdered in front of him. Sounds typical? There’s more. In the struggle of saving his wife, he’s knocked hard enough on the head to induce a form of amnesia in which he can only remember fragments of time, usually his memories “reset” every morning. To remind himself of his mission every day and to keep from losing track of his growing evidence, he tattoos himself haphazardly with random phrases designed to trigger the memory associated with it. This movie just gets crazier and crazier with each passing minute. If you can’t stomach a rollercoaster ride, move on. This ain’t for you. And just when you think you have the movie figured out, they throw you a nasty plot twist. For those who want to know what I was referring to earlier…
Warning, plot spoiler (highlight this line to view): The movie’s plot is actually playing backwards.

The Usual Suspects (R) IMDB
“The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist. And like that… he is gone.” Who is Keyser Soze? That’s the question the viewer must answer when watching this movie. I watched this movie so many times when I was younger, I just couldn’t understand how this movie could fool everyone who saw it. The movie seems so typical until the last ten minutes and when the twist is revealed, it’s like, “Wow, they fucking got me on this one.” I have yet to see a movie that rivals this one in terms of a plot twist. Watch it and tell me I’m wrong. Kevin Spacey leads a pretty sweet cast (Benicio Del Toro, Chazz Palminteri, Gabriel Byrne, Stephen Baldwin) as a crippled ex-career criminal caught up in a massive killing spree as the only remaining survivor. The movie is the story within his statement to the police, and as I’ve said before, it contains one of the singular most fucked-up endings in movie history. No shit, not joking. Those who have seen it can attest to it. It’s a slightly older movie (early 90s), but movies like this are the whole reason for watching them in the first place.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (R) IMDB
“He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.”
Say what you want about this movie, but the genesis for this movie is rooted in genuine experience. The movie (and story behind the movie) revolves around Raoul Dirke (played by Johnny Depp), and his attorney Dr. Gonzo, as they descend upon Las Vegas to chase the “American dream” through a drug-induced haze. What makes this movie great is that the author, Hunter S. Thompson, actually lived the story when he wanted to interview a prominent Mexican-American attorney with regards to an LAPD shooting of a Mexican-American television reporter by way of tear gas canister to the head. Finding it rather difficult to do the interview in Los Angeles, the two hopped into Thompson’s car with a trunk full of drugs, and headed to Vegas, where it was thought they might avoid any negative press during the interview. That’s the real-life story behind the movie. The movie itself features appearances from a whole schoolbus of Hollywood’s Who’s Who, including Johnny Depp, Benicio Del Toro (Dr. Gonzo), Tobey Maguire, Ellen Barkin, Gary Busey, Christina Ricci, Cameron Diaz, Penn Jillette, Lyle Lovett, and Red Hot Chili Pepper Flea.

Fight Club (R) IMDB
I couldn’t leave the cult classic off my list. It had a hand in putting Brad Pitt on a ridiculously high pedestal, which eventually led to him hooking up with some of the finest ladies on the planet. Bravo, sir. Bravo. I digress. Fight Club is about the struggle of one man’s ability to get over his own insecurities and eventually make a change to the world for the better. The music in this film, provided by the Dust Brothers, is absolutely perfect in carving this movie a niche all its own. As you may have noticed, I didn’t actually rank any of these films, but this would be near the top. This movie is as much about fucking someone up in a dark alley (mutually) for the fun of it as it is about self-discovery. If you haven’t seen it, shame on you.

Lucky # Slevin (R) IMDB
I wasn’t actually expecting much from this movie. Hell, I wasn’t even going to see it until a good friend of mine suggested it to me. Now, I own it and I’m suggesting it to random people on the Internet. It’s that fucking good. The cast is fantastic and chock full of Hollywood’s Finest, and stars Josh Hartnett as a tourist visiting a friend in the big city. Oddly, his friend is missing when he arrives, but that’s okay. Lucy Liu is there to keep him company. I doubt highly that better company could be kept, to be quite honest, but I digress. I’m getting off track. The two decide to conduct their own rather random investigation into his friend’s disappearance, but as the movie progresses and he finds his friend has left him to clean up his $100,000 mob debt, things start to get a little tricky. It all starts going horribly wrong when a dangerously infamous assassin (played by Bruce Willis) comes into town to kill him if he can’t pay up his buddy’s debt. At the center of it all are two competing mob bosses who used to be partners (Ben Kingsely and Morgan Freeman). But as the noose tightens around our young friend, is it really his neck that’s at stake? If you’re bored, this should be the first movie you rent. I’m almost willing to put down money that you’ll buy it. If you don’t like it, leave a comment. I’m kind of wanting to see how that turns out.

Halloween is over, but before I continue, I have to bitch about something. In the process of whoring my son out to friends and neighbors for an admittedly paltry sum of sweets, I discovered something about other parents who were doing the same. Where my son is almost five-years-old, doesn’t wear his Spiderman costume mask in order to avert a scare in other kids, has good manners (always says “Please” and “Thank you”), and is patient in his trick-or-treating endeavors, this isn’t necessarily the case with other kids or their parents. In fact, the behavior I saw in others while trick-or-treating with my son made me ashamed for them. And before anyone goes screaming, “Who the fuck are you to pass judgement? You don’t even rate to give them your pity!,” let me just say for the record: fuck.you. Yeah, I said it. Fuck you with a three-foot-wide-ten-foot-long-steel-and-sand-paper-covered dick. Furthermore, how about you keep a leash on that mutt of a child and a muzzle over that cock holster that is currently flapping in the wind beneath your nose. It wouldn’t be so bad except for the sheer stupidity/cajones you must have in not only overlooking your brat’s behavior but also encouraging it. Oddly enough, I couldn’t help but notice that you don’t live on this street. In fact, 90% of you asshole parents don’t. So why you here? Because it’s the so-called “old money” neighborhood and you assume we must have good candy for you. So basically what you’re saying to me is, “Fuck you for wanting to keep your kid safe and instill good manners and social behavior, but give me some King Size Snickers.” That’s what I hear when you bring your circus animals on to my street and don’t show proper behavioral etiquette while they attempt to turn a trick to get some sweets. Kiss my ass with your tongue out. Bitches.

But now that Halloween is over, all attention moves to Thanksgiving and, just behind it, Christmas. And speaking of the child process (inside programmer joke), he’ll be making out like a fucking king this year. During the summer, I took him along to a racing event because he wanted to see Daddy race. He loved it, with the exception that he wasn’t happy that he couldn’t race one of the go-karts that the 11-year-olds were driving. That pissed him off pretty good, and to calm him down, Daddy told him he’d look into whether it was legal for a five-year-old to race a kart on the course. It turns out they can. It’s called the Kid Kart division, and after all the info gathering, rules scrutiny and SCCA graciously seeking permission to host one, the only thing left is to purchase the actual Kid Kart. We’ll say the average price of a decent, competitive Kid Kart is around $1000. Okay, no sweat. Now we need to ensure that my son is safe behind the wheel, so we’ll be needing a helmet ($100+), suit ($100+), balaclava ($50+), gloves ($50+), shoes ($70+), and HANS device (from $80 - $800). We’re now approaching the $2000 range, but still, no sweat. Now, it’s come to my attention that this craft will probably NOT fit into the back of the BMW, so, small trailer ($200+) and some way to affix it to someone’s car ($nofuckingidea). It’s at this point that I’m starting to cringe a little. That’s $2000 for some shit he can’t even play around with until Spring. $2000 is a good Christmas for rich kids; it’s fucking overkill for the rest of us. And that’s before I get him anything else because it wouldn’t be cool for him to only get his Kid Kart (which he can’t play with) and nothing else. Fuck it. A promise is a promise.